OK 2009... Come on, give me your best shot!

The Christmas and New Year season always brings out the most reflective emotions in me and this year was no different. There was little I could do to prevent past memories from returning and even though I spent a pleasant enough Christmas Day with friends and family, I couldn't help but feel very much alone as I thought of my last Christmas in Geelong seven years ago. It was spent with my ex-wife Diane and our little family of pets... to me that was what Christmas is meant to be - shared with those you truly love and feel where you rightfully belong. Sadly, those days have long since passed and will never return.

New Years Eve is just a couple of days away and this will be yet another time of reflection for me. I will be spending it "home alone", probably watching television in bed after my support worker leaves around 10 p.m.

A few weeks back I forwarded copies of chapters 1 and 2 of the final draft of my autobiography to ten specially chosen friends and family members, with a view of getting their opinions on whether I was wasting my time pursuing it's publication and, in general, seeking their input as to where/how/if it could be changed to be of most interest to the general public. Of those ten, only three responded by asking me for more chapters. This comes as somewhat of a disappointment, although there could be any number of good reasons for their lack of response.

I believe - and I have been advised by several people - that I have an interesting story to tell, so I obviously want to do it in the best way possible... simply to leave something of myself behind that may prove of interest and possible motivation to others. 28 chapters have been written with one or two more to complete when/if I get the incentive. This has already been a work in progress for the past 12 - 15 years and I am determined to take it as far as possible in the coming year, even if I self-publish, either in book form or on the web.

So, there you have it... my hopes and ambitions for 2009 - to find a soulmate and publish my autobiography - both carried over for several years. Will either eventuate is the million dollar question, but as each year passes the urgency is becoming more intense - for obvious reasons.

I would love to travel again to another country (maybe France, New Zealand or Singapore), but being tied to dialysis treatments three times a week will make this most unlikely - unless I have the operation to change to peritoneal dialysis, thus allowing me to take a machine wherever I go. I would also need the assistance of a friend (or partner) to travel with me for the purpose of connecting me to the machine each night... and to my mind this is not an ideal way to spend a holiday.

Hopefully I will return to this Blogging spot early in the New Year on a more positive note... being negative simply isn't the normal ME!!!

The End of Another Year... Phew!

Think I'd better get this one out of the way as soon as possible! The last few weeks have been a mix of highs and lows... the latter including two bouts of gastro and several days in the local AND Austin (Melbourne) Hospitals. The Austin for an operation to remove blood clots from my fistula (dialysis tube in my right arm).

The highs included a couple of barbecues at my place... one for old friends and the other for my team of support workers (carers) and their families/friends. I also had a welcome visit from Barbara - a friend from Melbourne (pictured).

The next few weeks will include a night out with friends at the local Bendigo Club where my brother's band (The Impalas) will be providing the music and Christmas Day, where I have been invited to have lunch at the home of my carer Roberta and dinner with my daughter Leanne and her family (no more gastro PLEEEEASE God!!!).

New Years Eve (if I survive Christmas) will be a quiet one at home alone.

Until then my days will be spent doing the usual belated Christmas shopping, writing on and posting cards.

My best wishes to you and yours for a happy end of year... with thanks for reading my blogs.

Captain Cook sinks!

My team, sponsored by the Captain Cook Hotel, won its way into the Grand Final of the local darts league, but - as I predicted - we got thrashed! The scoreline of 6 games to 1 showed how outclassed we were, but it was still a good night with everyone enjoying the competition in the true spirit of the game. Our opposition, sponsored by the Manchester Arms Hotel, was a team of family members... the Bullocks, consisting of father Bullock, his daughter, three sons and a close family friend who, incidentally, has since formed a relationship with a female member of OUR team!

The father has also 'poached' one of our best players in an attempt to form a 'super' team for the next darts season, which commences late January 2009, so this leaves me back at square one to either form another new team or try to join an existing one.

Apart from darts, my life has continued in the usual manner with very few highlights. I attended the Bendigo Show, disputed a few transactions on my VISA card statement (which ended by me having it cancelled and issued with a new one), sold a few rings from my collection (if anyone would like to see a listing - including photographs and prices - please let me know), lost over $300 on a stupid "investment" when I 'clicked' on a lottery site promoting a syndicate entry BEFORE I realised how much I was about to pay and caught a dose of the 'flu'... apart from those events, my life has been very ordinary!

At the Mayoral Ball

My support worker Roberta and I attended the local Mayoral Ball on Saturday, Sept. 13 and both agreed it was a good night... even though we left around 10.30 p.m. Roberta had had a late night the evening before, so was ready for an early bed time. Her mother agreed to 'baby-sit' Roberta's three children (all under the age of nine), but added "don't be too late".

Roberta's gown (made to order on eBay from China) arrived just a day before the ball and drew complimentary remarks from all who saw her wearing it (see photo... that's me at the rear in my gladrags).

My only other news is that I am expecting a visit from Austin Hospital peritoneal dialysis staff this week to discuss the prospect of me switching from haemodialysis to this alternative. It has the advantage of being administered overnight at home, thus freeing up my daytime hours and enabling me to use it at other destinations.

On the other hand (possible DISadvantages), I will need to have an operation to (a) remove a hernia and (b) to insert a tube into my stomach for what is known as PD (peritoneal dialysis). Doctors are concerned that my ticker may not survive another operation of this nature after my close call last year, so a few questions have to be asked and answered before a final decision is made.

My present frame of mind dictates that I 'give it a go' as, even though I continue to 'think positive' most of the time, I feel I have little to lose if it gives me back more time for travelling and re-motivates me in other areas... like searching for a soulmate! Again folks, watch this space!

If you want to know more about my options, type either 'haemodialysis' or 'peritoneal dialysis' into your search engine.

The last day of Winter

I'm not sorry to see the last day of Winter as it will mean I can look forward to going out more often, even if it's only for shopping! With no meaningful lady in my life I really have no one to take anywhere, although one event coming up on September 13 that I am really looking forward to is the local Mayoral Ball. I received an invitation and thought, "dammit, why not?" Next problem was to find a partner, so I asked one of my support workers, Roberta, to accompany me. Surprisingly (to me) she agreed and is now in the process of having a gown specially made for the occasion, while I have purchased a black bow tie to go with my rarely worn black suit coat.

August has been a fairly quiet month, apart from my thrice weekly dialysis treatments at the hospital and my weekly competition darts evenings. My darts team now sits on top of the ladder with only one loss over the first 9 rounds and just five more rounds before the finals. My personal tally stands at 11 wins and 3 losses, so I'm reasonably happy with that. Our team is slowly developing into a consistent unit and our scores are improving each week, so fingers crossed for the big matches to come.

My jewellery collection has doubled and I am now in the process of arranging ways of checking its real value, after which will come determining ways of selling it. One local jeweller has confirmed that I have bought at least three good quality items at a really good price through the online auctions, so that has heartened me to keep going. I have also started to buy items on behalf of friends who are looking for particular pieces of jewellery... they choose what they want from the site and tell me the maximum amount they wish to bid and I try to get it for them. I'm happy to do this for 'love', of course, as it allows me the feeling of being of value to someone.

And that to me, dear friends, is all important in my life.

A housewetting and moody motherboard

The day of my planned housewarming (on July 20) dawned bleak and showery... as it continued throughout the day. This, however, did not deter 22 resolute and faithful friends from turning up, armed with enough food and refreshments to quell the appetites of three times that many!

22, as it turned out, was just a nice number of buddies to enjoy the indoor activity which included barbecued meat cooked outdoors under shelter and lots of reminiscing, not to mention the singalong lead by my brother/guitarist, Geoff James, together with my old singing partner, Olive Bice.

Just two days earlier my computer spat the dummy for no apparent reason and refused to function. Even my learned brother, who is somewhat of a computer guru, could do nothing more than tell me my 'motherboard was stuffed' and it could cost upwards of $1000 to replace it. As it turned out he was spot on, except it cost $937! I now possess a nice new shiny black motherboard and a few less programs... which I hope to have restored as soon as possible.

It has been said that "to make money, you have to spend money', so, in an attempt to pay off my computer expenses, I have launched into becoming a buyer/seller of online jewellery. I bought three items at low cost on eBay, before discovering www.Bidz.com, which is an authentic online jewellery auction site. My new pastime sitting, eyes glued to the monitor screen and my blood pressure going up as my bank balance goes down, has cost me on the region of $400 so far.

I am now the proud but confused owner of one pearl necklace and seven diamond rings of various shades and sizes... proud of my ability to outbid several other would-be jewel collectors and confused as to what to do with my haul! Will I try to flog it to other buyers of jewellery throughout the country or sell it on eBay? Will I make a profit or end up chasing my losses? Or will I end up learning yet another lesson and give it all away as Christmas presents? Watch this space for the answers to these and many other intriguing questions!

In an earlier Blog, I referred to my problems with ambulance transport and my team of support workers. The ambulance situation remains unresolved, but I DO have a new support worker by name of Samantha, who is working out quite well despite her comparitive youth (she is 29) and inexperience.

Dialysis treatment of yesterday was a yucky experience as, following a hearty morning tea at the hospital and a lunch of chicken sandwiches, I developed a nagging headache which preceeded a "technicolour yawn of great proportions" and an early taxi ride back home.

Meanwhile, I am firmly entrenched as captain of the Captain Cook Darts Team. I still 'blow' my darts from a blowpipe instead of throwing them in the normal manner. Our team has two reasonably strong players (Bernie and me) and four inexperienced, inconsistent, but improving players (Jackie, Angela, David and Cook). We have won three of the first four weeks to date by the narrowest of margins, but have not yet played the two strongest teams. My personal tally sees me undefeated at this stage, but - luckily - I have not faced very strong opposition in my games.

This suits me as I am fairly tired after having dialysis treatment earlier that day (we play each Thursday) and I usually play the last game of the night... which could end up as late as midnight!

My life may not be all that wonderful at times, but it's never dull!

Another Mess of the Blues!

They (whoever 'they' are!) say that things happen in threes. Well, the following has happened in my life over the past ten days...

My dialysis treatment days were changed from Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays beginning on July 3 (two days ago). This has been done to enable more patients access to the dialysis machines on what were the 'quieter' days and allow new patients to commence when the majority of staff are available.

With this change, the ambulance service which has transported me (free of charge) to/from dialysis treatments since January of this year has 'pulled the plug' as I am no longer considered to be in "need" of their services. The head nurse of the dialysis unit is of the opinion that I can travel in a wheelchair taxi to/from my appointments (at my own expense), thus freeing up an ambulance for more urgent cases... and, of course, the manager of the ambulance service has agreed to this suggestion as a means of cutting costs.

While this sounds quite reasonable, I have now been placed in a situation where I must travel to/from the hospital in my wheelchair, sitting on an ulcerated leg, whereas before I was conveyed on a stretcher (without pressure on my leg) and transferred to/from the hospital bed by the ambulance officers upon my arrival/departure.

The resultant extra work on hospital staff, I believe, outweighs the need of a wheelchair taxi. For example, the nurses must transfer me from/to my wheelchair to/from the bed and change the dressing on my leg before I go back in my chair and wait for the taxi to take me home.

The cost factor is another issue. Each visit will cost me in the vicinity of $14.00 which, at the moment, I really cannot afford - moving house has already cost much more than I anticipated, so this added expense has come at a bad time.

My support workers, doctor and ambulance officers are in disagreement with these new arrangements. They believe that I should be able to continue using the ambulance service until arrangements for my home dialysis are in place, which should be completed in about two months. The ambo's (ambulance officers) tell me there are two Code 3 ambulances set aside for non-essential transport (people like me), so they see no reason for any immediate change.

Meanwhile, my existing team of support workers (formerly known as 'carers') is being put under pressure by the fact that one (Julia) is going on extended leave next week. With this in mind, interviews have been taking place with potential candidates to be added to my team. Problems have arisen and many of those who would have been considered have dropped out due to delays in getting the essential paperwork (e.g. police checks, birth and qualification certificates, etc.) finalised by my service provider (ParaQuad) in order for them to start work with me.

I have had to call on past members of the team to come back and fill the gaps brought about by Julia's departure. Thankfully, this appears to be falling into place, although I will still need at least one new team member to come on board, so the sooner ParaQuad can get their act together the better. To be fair, ParaQuad are going through a transition of new staff who are still learning communication skills, so people like me have to be patient!

On top of all this, a close friend has been diagnosed with cancer and is about to undergo surgery.

On a brighter note, I attended the June 29 wedding of my nephew Nathan, to his lovely bride Jacquie, at the beautiful (but extremely cold) Tatra Receptions in Lilydale. It was a very happy occasion and did much to (briefly) dull the 'blues' surrounding me at the moment. My partner for the event was Barbara, a lady I met on one of the dating sites - very pleasant company and, hopefully, we will remain friends... but she has made it clear that's as far as our relationship will go!

I now look forward to July 20 when I am hosting my Housewarming Tea Party at my new residence in Strathdale. The 60+ invitations I mailed out have attracted only two responses at this stage, but RSVP date is not until July 12, so I'm hoping everyone is leaving their decision until the last minute (as they do!).

Such is (my) life!

Here I am... for better or worse?

A little over one week in from moving to my housing unit and I'm still a little uncertain whether I'm happy or otherwise in my new environment... there is certainly a lot more space and a pleasant rustic outlook, but that additional space seems to have created a lonelier atmosphere.

My team of support workers have done a tremendous job of helping me with unpacking and re-establishing all my goods and chattels and, in time, I think I will feel much better off... BUT there is still the feeling of not being 'complete' without someone special to share it with. Regardless of this, I'm stuck with it, so may as well make the most of my situation.

I now have a TEMPORARY phone/internet WIRELESS system, which will operate until Telstra have completed their cable work in this area (the date I have been given is July 4, would you believe?). The good news is that, until then when my landline is re-connected, I should be able to send/receive phone calls and emails as normal. At least that is what they tell me!

The bus system in this area is very different to that experienced in my previous area as I now have to make a longer trek to the closest bus stop in order to go into town for shopping, but on the credit side I have a good motel and restaurant close by.

A Fresh Start?

I really thought that, when I left Geelong and moved into a housing unit in Bosquet Street, Bendigo, that my next move would be from there to the cemetary. With the onset of chronic renal kidney failure last year and the resultant need for regular dialysis treatment, however, came the suggestion that I should, eventually, seek home dialysis.

This would mean that, instead of going to hospital three times a week and staring at the ceiling for up to five hours at a time, I could have the treatment in my own home at times that suited my needs (even overnight if I could get a support worker to 'sleep over'). I would still have to have an equal amount of time on a machine (which would be on loan to me), but my exising team of support workers would have the responsibility - and be paid - to supervise the operation.

With this in mind I made enquiries and was told that, in order to have dialysis in the home, I would need to have a much larger residence than my existing one bedroom Ministry of Housing unit... I would need at least one extra room for storage of necessary equipment. Bearing in mind that I waited almost 18 months to get my Bosquet Street unit, I submitted my application with the assistance of my occupational therapist and prepared myself for another loooong wait!

Three weeks later, after ringing the Department and finding that my application had not arrived, I had a visit from an apologetic Housing Support Co-ordinator who assured me that he would do his best to speed up my application. Less than 24 hours later he rang and asked if I had arranged for a removalist. Laughing, I told him that I expected to have at least a year to make those arrangements, to which he responded "Not so, we have a brand new two-bedroom unit available in Strathdale (another suburb of Bendigo) and you can move in before the end of the week!"

This all happened two days ago so, with the aid of my support team, I am now frantically packing stuff into boxes, garbage bags and cases, etc., to move to Unit 1, 19 Gittings Drive, on Thursday (May 22).

Could this be the beginning of a new life... or more of the same at a different address? Being the eternal optimist I am obviously hoping it's the former, but will it just be a bigger house for me to live in on my own... it has been suggested that I now look for a live-in carer who can assist in the administration of my dialysis needs, but I'm not so sure about this. The initial arrangement is that two or three of my existing team will be trained to do this and I'm happy to go along with that... but this is still a few weeks down the track.

More about this 'adventure' after I settle in. In the meantime I will be without the use of my computer for a few days until telephone, broadband and power arrangements have been made.

WATCH THIS SPACE and please... wish me well!

I pass yet another milestone

On April 29, I passed another milestone in life. My age is still a delicate subject with me... depending who I am talking to at the time.

On one hand, I am pleased to have lived so long and still feel so vibrant in many ways (despite my health situation), but when/if I am discussing age with a member of the opposite sex (particularly one with the possible potential of becoming my next soulmate) I dread her reaction to finding out how ancient I am!

Why do women in general base their opinion of a guy on their age? Mentally, I'm on a par with the average 40 - 45 year old and, apart from arthritis affected areas (stiff in most joints), I am still in good shape physically (even my doctor says this), but tell a woman your age and you're immediately classified as being 'over the hill'! I don't want to be judged by my age!!!

My birthday was celebrated on Sunday, April 27 with a reunion of members of my old cabaret/dance band, the Impalas, together with members of my original social club, first formed in the early 60's. It was a good day, with over 100 friends and guests turning up to share a day of festivity with me and even I was still "revving" at 11 p.m. as the final guests left after singing and dancing the day away from 1.30 p.m. when the activity started.

Since then I have been kept busy sending out "thank yous" and photographs taken during the day to many of those who attended. I was intending this to be my final celebratory 'milestone', but - as in past years - several people have started to ask "when is the next one". If I DO have another one I intend to request "no birthday cards or cakes which indicate my age, please".

Easter 2008 and other things

Easter time last year in my homtown of Bendigo (see my post on April 6, 2007) was very quiet, but at least I had a small role in it this year. I was part of the Phoenix FM promotion team at a stall in the main street, handing out flyers to the passing crowd during the early afternoon then, in the evening, I followed the Phoenix FM 'float' in the torchlight procession, again doing 'handouts' and playfully charging at children in my powered wheelchair which, thankfully for all concerned, has good brakes!

Since my last post, I had a brief bout of gastroenteritis which left me feeling both mentally and physically exhausted. I also had a temporary 'crash' on my computer, which left me feeling both frustrated and alone (incapable of sending/receiving emails for four days)... I don't know which was worse!! I have come to depend so much on my computer for contact with 'the outside world', that I'm left feeling completely lost when it breaks down for whatever reason. I have since recovered, thankfully, from both viruses and am feeling much better.

Thanks to a new-found friend on one of my regular visits to dating sites (her name is Barb), I have been encouraged to write the long-awaited final chapters of my autobiography, which I will include in a future post of this Blog. Incidentally, the 'fire in my belly' (see my last post) has burned itself out, due to lack of success in finding a suitable person to assist me... I am hoping the completion of my book may provide me with the impetus to try again.

The Return of Fire in My Belly!

I'm revving again! This morning I awoke with the feeling of fire in my belly like I have not experienced for a long, long, time. This has come about through an idea that raced through my mind last night... to write, publish, produce, direct (all or some of...) a semi-autobiographical movie depicting the loneliness and frustrations of an Australian singer/songwriter in a wheelchair as he travels around the country on what he intends to make his final tour.

Now to find a suitable (or interested) scriptwriter who can advise me where to go - or take - my storyline for possible development. I will first approach my brother Geoff who is extremely talented at putting words together and who, hopefully, has a little more spare time at his disposal. If he can't help me, perhaps someone reading this can put forward a suggestion for me to follow.

Biggest problem now is to keep this fire raging long enough to follow it through to completion.

Still too much time to think

I continue with my hectic schedule of dialysis treatments three times a week at approximately five to six hours per session (including connection and disconnection periods and waiting for ambulances for pick-ups and drop offs). In addition, I still spend an average of 6 - 8 hours a day at my computer responding to emails, searching dating sites and web-surfing in general. Any additional waking hours are spent in thought about what is happening in my life and what future lies ahead.

It is easy for me to become meloncholy and depressed when I think about my aloneness and the lack of a potential partner... and this continues to happen on a regular basis. My team of carers provide me with a few hours of light relief from these negative thoughts as they come in to assist with my daily routine. They are all good scouts, each with their own personality, and we all get along well with each other.

The dialysis treatments are a constant, but necessary, strain on my nervous system. One particular nurse (the leader of the unit) has the knack of inserting the dialysis needles into my right arm without any real pain or discomfort, but almost every other nurse has trouble with me... getting the needles in precisely the right spot without a lengthy and painful period of fiddling around, clotting of blood and 'hitting the wall' (or piercing) the fistula (tube) in my arm. No doubt you can understand how my fear reaches new heights each time I see that Anna (the leader) is not there.

My four hours of each treatment, lying on my back on a stretcher with needled right arm outstretched and immobile, are usually spent watching morning TV, eating dry biscuits and cheese, plus a lunch of sandwiches (a challenge in itself trying to use my almost lifeless left arm) and/or staring at the ceiling. I also have the benefit of a fish tank at the foot of my resting place where the same fish constantly chase their counterparts. This is fine for the fish, but a bit on the monotonous side for the observer after a few hours.

I am hoping, eventually, to have home dialysis administered by my carers, but this will take some time to set up (having my carers trained, etc.).

Going through all this constantly without a partner standing beside me (mentally, if not physically) then coming home to a quiet and empty unit is slowly taking its toll on me, hence the reason for my heading. Still, I continue to be hopeful for a positive change to take place.

Getting back to my old form!

The two programmes I did on community radio (Phoenix FM 89.5) went well and we now await another four weeks of test transmissions later in the year before the decision will be made whether we - or another aspirant radio station - get the licence for that particular frequency.

Slowly but surely I am finding it more difficult to find enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to. Dialysis is now three times a week (a total of 14 hours), but at least it is now at the local hospital instead of in Melbourne, which added an additional 8 hours of travel time.

Apart from my regular 6 - 8 hours a day sitting at my computer I have now resumed playing darts one night each week, as well as trying to finish my life story for submission to a publisher. This has become a "must do" project, bearing in mind my close call with extinction last year... I have to get the book finished before I get my final call "up yonder" (or "down below").

I am also trying to find the time to write a few articles for one of the local newspapers... one in particular about the singles group (Bendigo Social Singles) I started five years ago. We are about to celebrate our fifth anniversary and need more men to assist in balancing the sexes. At present we are averaging six women to each man at our regular dinner meetings.

Yet, in those five years, I have not had one date with any of the ladies (sob!)... all because I think I have been spoilt in the past by my three wives (on second thoughts maybe they were spoilt by me)!

2008 Begins on a Positive Note

Phoenix 89.5 FM is the name of a fledgling community radio station here in Bendigo which commenced test transmission for two weeks last Monday. I am to present two hours of country music and mayhem between 9 a.m. and 11 a.m. on Sunday morning (January 13) and at the same time the following Sunday (January 20), so I'm hoping someone will tune in. I’m not keen on talking to myself!

After many weeks of travel to/from Melbourne for dialysis treatment at the Austin Hospital, I started TODAY (January 11) at the Bendigo Hospital... and will continue each week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays bet. 9 a.m and 1.30 p.m. My first day went well with getting to know the nursing staff (all very friendly and with a much less pressured atmosphere by comparison with the Austin) and the ambulance crew being on time. It is obviously an experience I will never enjoy, but at least it affords me more time at home to work on my many projects.

To be - or not to be?

The End of Another Year 2007 was a year when I almost died (see previous post) and completed my sixth year of living alone... not what I would call a good year, but at least I survived to tackle another one.

I had a good try (or so I thought) at finding someone to make my life less unsociable, but continued to draw a blank at each attempt. Guess I'm too 'choosy' when it comes to being attracted to a member of the opposite sex. Most woman over 50 come across as being 'too old' for me, yet those under 50 (once they know my age) look at me as being an old, old, man... regardless of the fact that I feel, think and act like a 45 year old! I have tried to convince myself - and them - that age is just a number. Catch 22!!!

The only time my heart 'fluttered' for anyone in recent times was for one of my carers, who is almost half my age, but reminds me very much of my last wife... who was 25 years younger than me. My carer and I still get along really well, but when it comes to mutual attraction she is one of the many who believes I am a good friend, but still far too old to be considered as a partner.

May 2008 be a year of peace and happiness for us all!