I continue with my hectic schedule of dialysis treatments three times a week at approximately five to six hours per session (including connection and disconnection periods and waiting for ambulances for pick-ups and drop offs). In addition, I still spend an average of 6 - 8 hours a day at my computer responding to emails, searching dating sites and web-surfing in general. Any additional waking hours are spent in thought about what is happening in my life and what future lies ahead.
It is easy for me to become meloncholy and depressed when I think about my aloneness and the lack of a potential partner... and this continues to happen on a regular basis. My team of carers provide me with a few hours of light relief from these negative thoughts as they come in to assist with my daily routine. They are all good scouts, each with their own personality, and we all get along well with each other.
The dialysis treatments are a constant, but necessary, strain on my nervous system. One particular nurse (the leader of the unit) has the knack of inserting the dialysis needles into my right arm without any real pain or discomfort, but almost every other nurse has trouble with me... getting the needles in precisely the right spot without a lengthy and painful period of fiddling around, clotting of blood and 'hitting the wall' (or piercing) the fistula (tube) in my arm. No doubt you can understand how my fear reaches new heights each time I see that Anna (the leader) is not there.
My four hours of each treatment, lying on my back on a stretcher with needled right arm outstretched and immobile, are usually spent watching morning TV, eating dry biscuits and cheese, plus a lunch of sandwiches (a challenge in itself trying to use my almost lifeless left arm) and/or staring at the ceiling. I also have the benefit of a fish tank at the foot of my resting place where the same fish constantly chase their counterparts. This is fine for the fish, but a bit on the monotonous side for the observer after a few hours.
I am hoping, eventually, to have home dialysis administered by my carers, but this will take some time to set up (having my carers trained, etc.).
Going through all this constantly without a partner standing beside me (mentally, if not physically) then coming home to a quiet and empty unit is slowly taking its toll on me, hence the reason for my heading. Still, I continue to be hopeful for a positive change to take place.
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I have read right through your blog and am saddened that life is so difficult for you although in reality how could it be different given your current circumstances. I admire your courage in exposing your innermost thoughts to the public - I hope others understand, perhaps those who don't have never been sick, broke and lonely at different times in their life or perhaps all three at the same time.
I wish I could do something to help you but doubt that I can other than to say I am always up to a yarn.
Anne Conway
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